I've often felt that making pointed, social and political predictions was a game for pompous pontificators and smart asses. As I tend to qualify, I figured I'd try my hand at it.

So let this be the first ever rANT Farm Prediction-Fest for the new year. It will be done at the start of the year in question rather than the end of the last, just to be somewhat different. And, next January, if we're all still here, I'll go down through the list and see how I did.

The method is pretty simple: I made a list of people, places and things that were significant - or at least of interest - in the last year, and got a deck of Tarot Cards. I kept the thing in mind, asking "what's coming up for this year" as I shuffled the Cards. And then I pulled out the top card and wrote it down.

This is the "One Card Wonder" method. It doesn't give you the most in-depth reading, or even much depth at all. But it at least gives you a general sense of what's up with the matter in question.

Now, for those of you who are already tuning out and ready to hit the Back button, don't be too down on Tarot Cards. If your experience with Tarot been limited to cheap fumblings on Boardwalk, a bad call-back from Miss Cleo and what you've seen in movies, then you're missing out. In spite of the occult trappings, they're about as magical as a self-help book, but they're ever so much more helpful than that.

You see, the Cards won't tell you the future - not exactly, anyway. What they do is help you make sense of where you're at, where you were and where you want to be. They don't tell you anything that you don't already know, or couldn't guess; They just remind you of what you're trying to ignore, or might have forgotten in favor of other, more immediately pressing distractions. If they "predict" anything, it's only because you decided to cut the crap and attend what really needed doing, or saw things for what they were and acted accordingly.

For those of you familiar enough with the setup, you should keep in mind that the deck I'm using - The Halloween Tarot, by Kipling West - is a little non-standard in its iconography. Wands are Imps, Coins (or Pentacles) are Pumpkins, Cups are Ghosts and Bats are Swords. The iconography of the Major Arcana is also a little different (Frankenstein's Monster for the Emperor, for example) but the basic idea is still there.

So let's begin our little journey through 2003. It's mostly in alphabetical order, but I saved the best two - Bill and Hillary - for last.

America's Economy: King of Ghosts

This isn't a phenomenon so much as it's a person, but the person could be representative of a phenomenon. And given that the King of Ghosts (Cups, if you prefer) is a powerful, responsible man who is known for his generosity, I think that's us. I hope so, anyway.

Look for the economy to start going back up, or else somehow manage to hold itself together in spite of all troubles we have to face. This may be because of the President, or in spite of him, but look for plenty of hands to take the credit either way. We might not be as generous as we could be, though, so don't go buy a new car just yet.

American President George W. Bush: The Devil

*Krrk* "Paging Michael Moore. Come in, Michael Moore."

In this deck, the Devil Card is a cute she-devil in leather leading the enslaved about on short leashes, just like dogs. And it pretty much signifies what it looks like: unethical behavior, temptation and abuse of power. It's not pretty.

So what does this mean? Personally, I like W, even if he can be a goober at times. However, I realize that he's a businessman and has lots of business friends, some of whom might now be wanting a kickback or two. They probably kept their hands to themselves this last year, realizing the obvious (it's the War, stupid).

But now it's time to pay that piper. Let's hope he can just say no.

Caustic Columnist Anne Coulter: Death

I probably just stopped around 60,000 hearts over at Free Republic, but have no fear. Contrary to the iconography of the card, and its usual Hollywood interpretation, Death does not always mean a literal death. Rather, it signifies an abrupt change - which is not always unpleasant - that brings new opportunities.

Given her past disassociations, I'd look for her to lose something major in the coming year. Maybe Frontpage or Fox News dumps her, or maybe she dumps them, over a parting of visions or ways. This gives her a chance to start anew, or break into something else. Personally, I'm hoping for missionary work, or maybe gangsta rap.

China: Three of Bats

Oh, how cute: we have two big bats holding up a valentine heart as a third takes a bite of it around the bottom. That's signifying grief, pain, strife and - you guessed it - betrayal.

This is not going to be a good year for China. Maybe this will be the year that Taiwan finally tells them to get stuffed and throws in its lot with someone else. Maybe this will be the year China decides to rob Taiwan of its weird illusion of being separate from the mainland. Maybe things will get better or worse in Hong Kong. Or maybe the new leadership will get schismatic on the hands who put them into power...?

There's a lot of possibilities, here. China watchers should keep an eye on their target. 2003 is going to be interesting times, in keeping with the old Chinese curse.

The Democrats: The Sun

Okay, now this one is weird. The Sun speaks of happiness and success. Peace of mind. Things of that nature. That wasn't 2002 for the Democratic party, and I don't see how 2003 could be any different, given how they'll be dealing with a Republican House, Senate and White House...

...unless there's some major reverses of fortune in store, that is. When we get to the Republicans' Card, you might see what I mean. We could see some more scandals, defections and other opportunities fall into the party's hands. We could also see them getting their act in gear and going somewhere, too. Who knows?

The European Union: Five of Pumpkins

A kid out trick-or-treating loses his candy on this Card. It speaks of a turning point gone by, and disappointment at the outcome.

I don't think I need to embellish too much on this one. The EU might just go down in history as the biggest disappointment since the League of Nations. It might also get somewhere, too, but not in 2003. This is going to be the year when European nations wake up from the party the night before and realize who they went home with.

The Green Party: Six of Pumpkins

The who? The people you were told were nobodies and nothings? Well, it looks like they're going to get a well deserved reward - one that brings prosperity, too.

Maybe it'll be something approaching equal time so voters can at last see they have a choice besides the mundane, the urbane and the insane. (Republicans, Democrats and Libertarians, respectively). Of course, it might not be your idea of a choice, but with the self-destruction of the Reform Party and the marginalization of everyone else, it might be all we've got left.

Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein: Five of Imps

Five little, red imps with wands are all getting ready to whack one another upside the head, here. This goes with the notion of the card: the generation of conflict, and perhaps rebellion. Betrayal, too, one could say.

A big old "duh" on this one: Saddam is conflict personified for the year. He's also a dead man walking, most likely as of this February if the leaks are true. However, it'll be interesting to see if the other aspects kick in. Does one of his "own" pull the trigger? Do his own people rise up and throw him out at the end of January? Stay tuned...

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon: King of Pumpkins

Now this is one that I didn't expect. The King of Pumpkins (Or Coins, or Pentacles if you prefer) doesn't fit with the utter shit that Sharon's been for the last few years. Instead, this King is an experienced, resourceful leader - one who is reliable, steadfast and forceful. Maybe he'd like to claim he is, but recent events have shown otherwise.

So what's all this, then? Is 2003 the year that Sharon actually gets his stuff together and does right by the Israelis? Was he really the Pumpkin King all along, and we just couldn't tell? Or is he due to be replaced by a real Pumpkin King?

We're gonna have to stay tuned, here.

North Korean Despot Kim Jong-Il: Ten of Pumpkins

Speaking of Pumpkins... the Universe has a sense of humor, today. Those who dislike NK's rather loopy figurehead have taken to calling him "Pumpkin Boy." So it's only fitting a Pumpkin card be applied to his sorry hiney.

However, the card is not a sorry one - quite the opposite. It promises a happy outcome to your current endeavors, complete with rewards and riches. But if you consider his current situation - reactivating nuke plants to most likely restart his nuke program, in spite of international outcry - you'd wonder how such belligerence could pay off?

Oddly enough, it does. In the past, we've established a clear pattern with regards to North Korea: every time they rattle a saber, we send them more food to pay them off for fear of losing South Korea. With the Administration backing down on the challenge yet again, I see no major change. I think Pumpkin Boy will get lots of goodies in his latest gambit, yet again forestalling his day of reckoning.

Palestinian President Yasser Arafat: Judgment

The other side of the situation in Israel/Palestine. This is a card about waking up and facing the consequences of your actions. It's judgment from on high, or having your karma come to call, at any rate.

About time, I say. Yasser Arafat has been a major disappointment, to say the least. His critics tend to allege more, and maybe they've got a point. Corruption dogs his heels like a bad, sour fart, and his ability to lead is questionable at best, and criminally inept at worst.

So what happens, then? Does he wise up and do what he needs to do? Does he finally get his slack ass tossed out of office by his own people? Deportation? Two to the head? Exile? Suicide? Damned if I know, but it could happen this year. Watch for it.

The Raelian Movement: Ace of Ghosts

These guys made big news just at the end of last year, but we should consider them to be one of the great underreported stories of recent years. Imagine a religious-scientific movement numbering in the tens of thousands, with lots of money to blow, questionable ideals and business practices and a really freaky idea about how the world works.

Now imagine them engineering the men of the future in some lab in the Caribbean, or anywhere that we can't touch them. And consider that the Ace of Ghosts is the Ace of Cups: great love and happiness, as well as productivity. Which means that 2003 is going to be a good year for the Raelians, and probably won't mean anything good for the rest of us.

Or maybe we'll get lucky, and they and a certain other religious-scientific movement with money to blow and questionable ideals will tag-team sue one another into oblivion in 2004...

The Republicans: The Hermit

This could be the explanation for the Democrats' good year, right here. The Hermit is one who searches for the truth all by himself, and considers himself to be self-sufficient. Most politicians like to think of themselves as Hermits - in manufacturing their personal ideology, at any rate - but if there's one thing that kills a politician, it's being all alone when disaster strikes, or being too "out there" to hear what people are actually telling you.

The Republicans do not have a total majority. They cannot afford to retreat into a cave and put themselves in traction through judicious back-slapping. If they do, they will get out of touch with the world around them and lose ground. Let's see what happens, here.

War on Terror: Eight of Imps

Bleah! Talk about confusing. This Card warns of great haste and over-eagerness that stops us from truly advancing. Yet we've been nothing but less-than-eager and hasteless since our action in Afghanistan, surely...? So what's going on here?

It could be the upcoming war with Iraq, which probably isn't going to make things that much better in the rest of the Middle East, regardless of what certain domino-theory proponents feel. It could also be the war of ideas between the hawks and the doves in the Pentagon - and on the President's own Cabinet - which is driving our efforts around in circles. Maybe both?

Either way, it seems we can't expect 2003 to be the big, decisive year. I'm betting that, by next January, Osama bin Laden will still be unaccounted for, Al-Qaida will still be a serious threat and the Saudis will still have not cleaned house. On the other hand, I don't think things are going to get any worse, either, so we've got that, at least.

And, last but not least, let's take a look at the gruesome twosome of American politics: Hillary and Bill Clinton. New York Senator Hillary Clinton, like Kim Jong-Il, got the Ten of Pumpkins. Meanwhile, her hubby - our former philanderer in chief - got the Queen of Imps. Be prepared to gag, yes, but there might be a laugh or two in there as well.

As we've seen, the Ten of Pumpkins promises a happy outcome, along with rewards and riches. So regardless of how her political fortunes go, it seems that Hillary, herself, will manage to ride above it all. I'd expect no less from her, but I was hoping she might get some level of come-uppance for being a two-faced little twist in the last year.

On the other hand, what are we to make of Bill's card? The Queen of Imps is a kind, generous and curious woman. As a phenomenon, it promises success in all endeavors. So it seems that Bill's going to have a good year, too, but the fact that it's a woman who gives it to him is of interest.

Let me admit once more that this is sheer speculation, but I think this could be the year that Bill and Hillary are finally going to be rid of one another.

I'm not the only one who's suspected that Bill and Hillary's marriage, whatever it was in the beginning, has since become a sad thing of political convenience. However, the man is spent and little more than a fundraiser on legs - an office which, as Jesse Jackson is kind enough to show, needs little in the way of personal ethics. So Hillary now needs Bill as much as a fish needs a bicycle, and it's not too much of a stretch to think that she could let him go.

So maybe Bill's going to finally find his Queen of Imps, fess up to Hillary that he wants out, and it'll be over. She'll make out like a bandit queen when it comes time to get alimony and other such matters from his pocket if she chooses to go that route, of course. And that will be that.

Negative publicity? Forget it. The ladies will all cheer Hillary for finally chucking her part-time man in favor of a real partner, and the men will all cheer Bill for getting the trophy wife he's been hankering for all along. Both get what they want, the papers have something interesting to talk about and 2003 will be remembered as the year that the Second American Camelot officially came to a sputtering, dead stop, much to the joy of cynics, grouches and Republicans everywhere.

Hey, it could happen.

And with that, we end my predictions for the year. I'm not going to crow too much if I turn out to be right, given that this is mostly based on luck, extrapolation and my own, rather odd way of looking at the world. But I also promise to NOT promise to drop my pants in Macy's front window if I'm dead wrong about anything - which I certainly hope I am in a few cases.

So go your ways, have a good year and we'll see you at the start of the next to see how I did. In the meantime, I hope you'll make the rANT Farm a part of your life, as I predict that - courtesy of the Six of Pumpkins I pulled for the column itself - things are going to get a little more fruitful around here.

Sister Psychic won't you tell me does it ever get better? - Can you really see the future or just predict the weather? - Are we in our finest hour or heading for disaster? - Use your super powers and rescue me

Sister Psychic - Smashmouth